


lonely nights

by flowerymoonlight



Series: Lost in time [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Despair, M/M, Pain, we cryin tonight ladies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23508475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerymoonlight/pseuds/flowerymoonlight
Summary: Steve becomes Captain America and instead of getting him where he wants, he’s miles away from his heart.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Lost in time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670206
Kudos: 4





	lonely nights

When Steve met Erskine he thought, this is my chance. A small flame of hope started burning in his chest and he could breathe for something again.

The weeks after Bucky left were the hardest Steve had to ever go through. He would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, haunted by dreams telling him of Bucky’s death. The night would be ruined after that for any sleep and the only consolation he had was a picture he had stolen from Bucky’s mom.

In the morning he would get ready and get out of the house as fast as he could, every nook and cranny reminding him of something far away and so out of his reach it tore him in half. He would go over to Bucky’s ma and help her do things she couldn’t. She was doing most of the heavy lifting if he’s honest but she was the only form of Bucky he had to cling onto.

So, when Erskine found him and offered him the one thing he’s been chasing after ever since Bucky first did his papers he held onto it like his only lifeline. Because it was. The only way he could even get a chance at being there, next to Buck.

The days at the camp were rough and he couldn’t count on his comrades for much other than a sideways glance and a nod in passing, but at least they didn’t beat him bloody so that was an improvement. He did have one piece of comfort through it all though. Agent Carter, Peggy, her eyes were warm and her soft but she could pack a punch rougher than any of the men training next to Steve.

At least Steve had Peggy for a little while. Peggy who wouldn’t cut him any slack but smirk at him when he would do one full sit up. Peggy who beamed at him when he brought the flag down and got to ride with her the rest of the way. Peggy who had drinks with him the night before, after Erskine left to sleep the night. She found him half the way to drunk and took the bottle from him for herself.

Peggy, who he told to about Bucky. More than he ever told him, more than he ever told himself.

But then that was gone too. It was all taken away from him, right out of the palm of his hand. Because he wasn’t Steve Rogers anymore. He wasn’t that scrawny kid from Brooklyn that desperately wanted to get his best friend back. He was The Captain, and he had responsibilities far bigger than himself.

And then began the long trip of America. Where Steve had to be someone else every moment of every day. He had to hide while still getting used to not have people bend over to look him in the eye. And he couldn’t even have Peggy with him. They had whisked her off to another mission and he was stuck playing dress up for the rich.

He could admit to himself that it wasn’t all bad though. He had a bed and a roof over his head every night and they fed him well enough so he wouldn’t be hungry in the next decade. But his chest never stopped aching. The pain of being so far away never left him. Not when he did all this so he would be on the front lines, fighting, next to Bucky.  
As the months passed by and Steve got deeper into the lie of being The Captain that would end the war and bring the victory back home, he started to feel helpless. He would have given up if it weren’t for his co-stars.

A couple of dancers and Jake who played the one and only Hitler every night cornered him one night while he was getting out of his suit. They have been doing this whole routine for a month and Steve was just getting the hang of the practiced steps and the words on his shield. He hoped deep inside that he wouldn’t need to memorize them for long. That he would get out there the first chance he got.

Jake and the two girls, Alice and Mary, had cornered him on his way back to the hotel they were all staying about his foul mood and, as they put it, the constant frown on his pretty face. He may have blushed a little but it was nothing for the way his heart plummeted into his stomach at the blue eyes that clouded his vision.

He brushed them off and run back to his hotel room, locking himself in his room and trying to calm his racing heart. It didn’t take long for memories of Bucky to start flowing through his head like a movie. And after that… it was too easy to fall into an endless hole of doubt and despair.

He ended up emptying whatever liquor he could find in the small room and when that didn’t work the way he wanted and only left him with a burn in this throat that was over in seconds and the bitter taste of alcohol in his mouth he spent the night curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing Bucky’s name while clinging onto an empty bottle. He didn’t get to sleep that night. No, that would be asking too much of life. He had to stay awake and go through every bit of Bucky he still had left to cling onto.

When they saw him the next day Jake and the girls didn’t say anything. Mary put some makeup on his cheeks and under his eyes and they went through the set as planned. Steve just blocked it all out. It was the only way he could go through with it and not break down on that stage for everyone to see.

After that day they left him alone. He would still get sideways glances every time he would politely refuse to spend the night drinking and dancing with them and the rest of the dancers. But he was more worried about the hole that kept growing in his breast every time any one of them smiled at him and he had to smile back.

Because it felt like his only reason for smiling was never going to get back to him.

Those thoughts hurt Steve more than any bullet could ever do. The thoughts that he wouldn’t let himself think during the day and would creep into his mind during all stages of the night like monsters under his bed. Waiting, and waiting, till he had his heart open so they could strike and break it in two.

No, he tried not to linger on those thoughts because he knew the damage couldn’t be undone if he let himself fall that hard. He had faith in Bucky. He had faith in his heart, that it would come back to him.

The pain never got easier, no matter how many months passed. Most of his nights were spent either lying awake in bed or waking up from terrible nightmares that he’s paranoid mind made up just to torture him. The only good nights were the ones he couldn’t remember anything.

When they informed him that they were going to perform in one of the military camps the tiniest spark of hope lit up in his chest. But the war was long and vast and it took many men to win it. He was not going to get his hopes up only to be crushed down under the Colonel’s boot.

Because only imagining that brought such a pain to his body that he had to reach for a wall steady himself before his knees gave out from under him. No, he wasn’t going to hope for anything, only focus on what he had to do and try not to run away.

When Peggy showed up after his performance if anyone could call it that, there was a brief light to the tunnel Steve was stuck in. But when she told him that had been Bucky’s unit, Steve’s whole body was suddenly on fire and he couldn’t breathe right if he didn’t get an answer.

Walking out of the Colonel’s tent Steve felt like he could see clearly for the first time in a long while. He knew what he had to do and he would do it at any cost. He would get Bucky back if it was the last thing he ever did.


End file.
